The Melodramatic Horrors of Maid Mary Sue Marian
by Mianne
Summary: There are too many Mary Sue Marians out there, who are so beautiful, perfect, amazing sword-fighters and archers, who make every single man fall in love with them. They have to be stopped. And I'm going to stop them.
1. Maid Matrix Marian

This story is dedicated to the future prevention of all bad Mary Sue Marians. They bother all of the members of the Fluff Club, and will always hold our disdain. If your Marian is too beautiful and perfect and an amazing sword fighter and archer, who also makes every single man she meets fall in love with her, AND THE ENTIRE STORY IS TOLD THROUGH OTHERS MOANING ABOUT HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE IS, STOP!!!!!!!! GRRRRRR.... it destroys poor Robin Hood. Fluff Club sisters, this is for you. WARNING: I do not really write like this. This is a parody. Do not take seriously.  
  
Marian romped through the forest, skipping and singing in her perfect, on-key voice. Her beautiful, long blonde hair streamed behind her, and her crystal blue eyes sparkled in perfect glee. Of course, Maid Marian was not slightly obese or large in any way shape or form, and physical flaws were non-existent.  
"La, la, la, la, la, I'm so beautiful when I frolic like this," she sang to herself; as the passing birds flew down onto her shoulders to join her in song.  
"Once upon a time in a forest," sang Marian, trilling.  
"There was a beautiful lass," joined the birds, singing in sweet harmony.  
The bullfrogs croaked the bass, while in the back, the deer began to tap-dance. The rabbits had just finished their river dance when in swept Robin, smiling at the sight of his "true love".  
"Marian!" He called, running over to meet with her.  
"Oh, my sweet darling smoochy boochy lover dove!" she called out, as Robin came over to join her. He managed a grin.  
"Uh, right. So did you have a good time at the marketplace?"  
"Oh, it was just perfectly delightful as always. And naturally, the Prince was chasing me around, constantly asking for my hand in marriage, as was Sir Guy of Gisborne. Golly gee, it's so difficult being the most beautiful woman in England."  
"Yeah. Well, I just came to tell you..."  
An arrow that came whizzing into the clearing, hitting the tree with an ominous thump, interrupted them. A switch flicked in Marian's brain, and she put a hand on Robin's chest.  
"Hold that thought, lover-boy."  
She back flipped over into the middle of the clearing, pulling a long sabre out of her garter. Spinning it around in dizzying circles, she let out a huge "hyah!"  
Guy of Gisborne and his company rode into the clearing, all with their bows raised.  
"Maid Mary Sue Marian, I have come to tell you that you must marry the Prince John or I or die!"  
Marian snarled, the feisty thing that she was. "Ha, ha, ha, I'll take death over your advances, Gisborne."  
His face contorted. "Curse you, Marian, curse you and your heavenly beauty that seems to wrap around my heart and soul. It steals into my very essence and breaks open the cage that holds my heart. Alas, you have that key to the cage trapped within your perfect, godly self, and I must sit here, in self-ignited agony, whilst the world perishes at the sight of your smile. Hark; do you hear the angels' singing? No, it is only the sound of your sweet voice, entrapping more unwilling men into your irresistible advances. Do you hear the crystalline shattering of my frozen heart? I long for the warmth of your grace, charm, and fabulous chess skills that will bring a fiery passion to this cold, lonely, isolated world that I am doomed to wander for all eternity. Curse you, Mary Sue Marian, curse you!"  
There was silence in the clearing.  
"Uh," said Robin.  
"Uh," said Gisborne's men.  
"Ah ha, ha!(ditzy laughter) Really?" said Marian.  
Gisborne sighed. "Alas. Then I'm afraid I shall have to kill you. Men?"  
Arrows were released into the clearing. Robin drew out his bow, but Marian stopped him. "Wait, I'm just too noble to allow you to risk your life. Plus, I'm just too strong, powerful, as well as ten-time frog racing champion, and these aren't even a real challenge. Hyah!"  
The arrows seemed to freeze in mid-air as she leapt forward. The clearing spun around her as the arrows moved in slow motion. Twisting her body in cat-like grace, she spun with speed and agility, dodging all of the arrows as they continued to come. Eventually she stopped, and turned to face the company.  
"Now I'm really angry! MAID MARIAN ENERGIIIIIIIIZE!"  
Nothing happened.  
"Oh, tee hee, whoops! I forgot!" Marian giggled. "I forgot my Maid Marian Utility Belt. Oh well, I'll have to use my amazing skills in jiu- jitsu to get out of this mess."  
Remembering that there is no spoon, she leapt into the air, defying gravity, and began such a rapid line of kicks and punches that it exceeded the rating of this story.  
  
This scene is unsuitable due to such poor writing. If anyone writes a Mary Sue Marian such as this, it is completely impossible to have a good action scene. The writer of the parody has chosen not to subject any more people to such miserable plot.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"That should teach them!" said Marian, brushing her hands off and watching as Gisborne and his men went howling off into the sunset.  
"Curse you, Maid Mary Sue Marian!" called Gisborne, his voice fading into nothing.  
"Wow, that was..." began Robin.  
"Amazing and mind-blowing?" finished Marian.  
"Uh, that's one word for it." Robin felt burdened all of a sudden. Now that the battle was over, she would...  
"Oh, ROBIN! I was just SO scared and SO terrified, and you were there for me the whole time! Oh, kiss me, you brave, beautiful man!"  
She was just about to endeavour in one of the sloppiest kisses known to mankind, when Robin noticed that she was cut on her wrist.  
"Marian, I think that one of their arrows clipped you."  
Marian looked down and gasped. "Oh my GOODNESS!" She promptly fainted.  
Robin sighed, and picked up his beautiful, but horribly written and portrayed girlfriend up in his arms, and left the clearing.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
"Dearest members, it is time to put an end to Robin's suffering. He has been forced to endure the horror of Maid Mary Sue Marian for long enough, and it is time that we put a stop to the destruction of Robin Hoods nation wide." Croaked the raspy, mysterious voice.  
"But how, beloved dictator?" asked a voice from the back. It was identified as Agent Mianne, the treasurer of the ultra-secret society.  
"Yes, how?" came another voice, known only by the code name Black Pixie. "The snivelling, drivelling, whiny little snot seems invincible. We can't stop her!"  
"We'll have to try," said Agent Enchantress. "What choice do we have? The entire nation of Fanfiction-land is being taken over by her type!"  
"She's right," said Code Llyra Monroe. "It's becoming almost impossible to go anywhere without running into her."  
Agents Dragonfirechick and Midnight's Magic buried their faces into their hands at the state of the desperate situation.  
"We can do it," said Agent Outlaw Eris. "After all, we have an inside agent."  
The mysterious voice swivelled in her chair. She turned to face them, and light shone upon the dark-creviced features of Sugarsprite. "We'll have to formulate a plan."  
The members of the secret society leaned into the centre of the table, and began to whisper in hushed tones. Outside, the snarling of wombats grew louder and louder, as they cried out in thirst for blood. 


	2. The Horrors of Feta

I found a computer, and this is going to be the only update for ten more days. Sorry! This is dedicated to the Fluff Club, and please don't think I'm being hypocritical by writing this. In case you didn't notice, the Marian in Lady of Sherwood is extremely clumsy and always tripping. Enjoy!

Robin stood at the front of the tree house, pacing anxiously at the situation laid out in front of him. Prince John was getting closer and closer to discovering their base deep within the forest, and each day, it was getting more and more dire. He sighed.  
  
"We'll have to double the guard, stake out further into the Forest, and..."  
  
"Oh, booooyyyyyyssssss...."  
  
"Uh oh," groaned the men in the meeting.  
  
"Now, be nice, lads," said Robin, even though beads of sweat had began to form on his brow.   
  
"It's MEEEEEE!!!!!!!" Shrieked Maid Mary Sue Marian. "Peek-a-boo, I see you!" she cried, looking over the window sill and into the room.   
  
She was greeted with silence, until Robin gave his company The Look.  
  
"Oh, yeah, hi!"  
  
"Great to see you!"  
  
"New outfit? Smashing."  
  
"Ha, ha," said Marian. "I'm here to save you all from the horrors of malnutrition!"  
  
With that, she whipped away the men's ale and replaced it all with spinach and feta cheese finger sandwiches, along with diced eggplant. She beamed her perfect teeth.  
  
"Dig in, my little fighter men," she cooed.  
  
They looked at the new food with more terror than when they fought Prince John's men.  
  
"Sorry, wife put me on a diet."  
  
"I'm healthy-intolerant."  
  
"Did I ever tell you that spinach has the highest carb count amongst all vegetables? Well, it's true."  
  
Marian's perfect blue eyes welled up with tears. "You...you...you don't like it?"  
  
"Oh no," whispered Robin.  
  
"I PUT SOOOOOO MUCH WORK INTO IT, SOOOOOO MUCH TIME, AND SOOOOOO MUCH LOVE, AND YOU DON'T LIKE IT!!!!!!! I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!! I'M SOOOOOO USELESS!!!!! YOU DON'T LOOOOOOVE ME!"  
  
Immediately, the men swarmed the sandwiches, stuffing eggplant into their mouths as though their life depended on it.  
  
"Oh, yeah, really good stuff!" They applauded, while sounds of retching were heard in the background.  
  
"Oh, okay!" Marian chirped. "Have a good meeting! You're far too smawt and wittle intewigent men fow wittle old me.'  
  
Strained laughter filled up the cabin as Marian climbed down the ladder. As soon as she left, most men spat out the stringy globs of feta that had congealed in their mouths.   
  
"I wouldn't eat that sort of food in helllllllloooo, Marian!" said one man, stopping as her smiling, perfect face appeared once again.  
  
"Oops, I forgot! I forgot to introduce you to my new handmaiden, Mianne!" She announced, bringing up a tall, pale girl with a slightly chubby face and long blonde hair. Her plain brown eyes surveyed everyone in the area, stunned to be in the presence of her childhood heroes.  
  
However, most of the gazes she received in return were those of pity.  
  
"Bye bye!" Said Marian again. "Oh, and Robin..." she slobbered her palm and blew the spit globules in his direction. "I love you soooooooo much, schnookums!"  
  
As Mianne descended the ladder with her new lady, her Official Fluff Club Homing Device began to beep. She prayed with all her soul that the following operations would go smoothly.  
  
Back at the Fluff Club Headquarters, Sugarsprite's youthful features shone with delight and anticipation as a red dot began to blip on her map.  
  
"Bingo," she whispered.


End file.
